By Kat Patrick.
The comeback - one of the great mysteries of the celebrity world, right alongside the apparent irreplaceable comfort of velour tracksuits and trying to cheat on your partner with 10000 cameras permanently pointed at you, waiting for you to cheat on your partner.
The comeback. I don't get it. An actor has a great run - appears in some films, successfully establishes a money-making typecast, gets photographed in tuxedoes, criticized at the beach, maybe flashes something while getting out of a limo. Their career is complete. They should gracefully bow out of the game, grateful to get out of the most closely followed, scrutinized, highly-paid and cruel rat-race in the world. They could buy an island, a younger partner and settle into a life of laughing at Lana Del Rey, saying things like 'I'm so glad that's not me and I have heaps of cash to show for it.' They could let their bellies soften with cocktails and things covered in béchamel sauce, use their treadmill as a dog-walker and their personal trainer as a retirement friend.
Alas, no. It's physically impossible for some famous people to leave the limelight. They might pretend to leave, to get some attention, then they 'come back.' But they don't really 'come back' do they. No amount of plastic surgery can remove the weird stench of desperation and the fact that it is no longer the 1970s, 1980 or even the 1990s. A zombie version of you is not, after all, the original version is it? You can't beat time. Even death is easier to beat these days thanks to hologram technology, and the threat of becoming a zombie. And that's a good thing. It's modern.
Arnold Schwarzenegger became Governor of California. He achieved ex-actor nirvana. Not longer did he no longer have to worry about his gut while on holiday, his narcissism could still be satisfied by people listening to him say important things, rather than act out what it's like to be a pregnant man. But no, it couldn't last. He's back. And sat next to him on the one way trip to embarrassing land is Sly Stallone. He couldn't resist. They're in new films, trailers released more or less simultaneously, which I imagine they're both a little annoyed about. I don't have much to say about the movies, because we pretty much watched them years ago.
Rather than explain, I'll highlight some key trailer quotes: 'I have seen enough blood and death, I know what's coming.' Correct, Arnie. So put your feet up and let Joseph Gordon Levitt take care of it. It's what he's there for. And better still: 'This is the last time. I'll never do this again.' IS IT SLY? IS IT REALLY? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. Why can't you both just go out to bar together, knock back a few mojitos and reminisce? Wouldn't that be easier? Aren't you both really, really tired?
I guess not.